The dictionary defines “crazy” or “insane” as “doing the same action repeatedly expecting a different outcome.” I haven’t cleaned my car out in over a year, so I’m not crazy. Yeah pick up your jaw, it’s been over a year since I cleaned my car out. Well, I throw away the trash and have it vacuumed and stuff, but I haven’t cleaned all the compartments and nooks out in over a year (my car has tons of neat storage places). Those of you who know me, know it’s completely out of character for me. I don’t like things to be dirty, I like my house, room, cabinets, closets, etc to be organized and clean. I have never had a messy car since my first one, the Mercedes (I miss that old tank). I just don’t roll that way. In fact, my dad mentioned to me a while back that my car was messy, and it was usually really clean. I just told everyone I was really busy and hadn’t gotten a chance to clean it. Lie. The truth is, I’ve been avoiding cleaning out my car since last spring, (well, other than the trash and things I recently put in it). I was afraid.
The last time I went through every compartment and took things out was the day before Michael and I took my car to Florida to see his sister and go to Disney World. I cleaned that car so much it looked new, I scrubbed, vacuumed, had the oil changed…. Everything. I had a specific spot for the cooler of sandwiches & drinks (we were too poor to buy food along the way), I had every CD I owned in the back seat compartment, I had a specific place for the hand sanitizer(s) in the side compartment of the passenger seat, I had a slot for the maps (even though we had a Garmin), I had a place for our bags, a place for anything we bought, and a place I later put random things I’d gathered on the trip to remind me of where we’d been. After Florida, we traveled a lot to West Texas, so I kept certain things in compartments because we used them a lot. But after a while, things changed. We no longer got to take adventures west, and eventually we stopped traveling (and even talking) all together. So my car became a rolling storage of things that hurt to look at or even think about. This is where the “crazy” thing comes to play. I know things don’t matter anymore. They are just items; bottles of hand sanitizer, alka seltzer, Korn Cd’s… But although they don’t matter, the memories associated with them did. I just didn’t want to see or think about them. So I didn’t. I avoided it. I loaded up my car, moved across the state, started taking my dog everywhere with me, just lived, and stuff started accumulating. Instead of organizing it, and storing things in compartments, or making space, I just left it.
So a year later, things are so foreign. I made up my mind last week that my car needed to be cleaned out. Things needed to be thrown away, and other things needed to take their place. I had to do it all before Spring Break. So, after a week of putting it off, tonight I cleaned out my car. At first I was just throwing things away, not reading maps (even though I saw they were of florida, and Houston), I just got through it. It was great to get rid of stuff. But then, I got to the back seat compartments. It was fine and dandy, I got my cd’s, and got the rawhides Lola had left hidden in random places. But then, I saw the buttons from Disney World, the one that had the date and our names written in permanent marker on them. It wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be. I didn’t cry or wish things were different, but I remembered how magical and happy the day I’d gotten them had been. I saw Cinderella’s castle that day. I placed them in a bag and kept digging. Then I saw a camera, I knew the pictures on it were from Daytona Beach. We’d taken a disposable camera because we were afraid my 2 day old Nikon camera would get sand in it. I decided to leave the film undeveloped, and tossed it in the trash bag. I wasn’t really upset, just kinda bummed. When I got to the bottom I found a note, one that I’d stuck there the morning we drove back to Houston. The only thing it said was “Mobile, Alabama”. It was rough continuing to not feel anything at that point, I just tossed it in the trash with the camera and grabbed the last thing left. I kinda froze when I saw what I’d grabbed. It was a wrapped fortune cookie. I have no idea where it came from, or when I got it, but I decided to open it and take out the fortune. The fortune said “Only Those Who Dare, Truly Live”. It made perfect sense to me. I felt so strange after reading it. I know some people don’t believe in God, but I do. And I believe it was a sign from Him to me.
For months I’d been letting things collect in my car because I was afraid. I was afraid to be reminded of pain, and sadness. I was afraid to remember how much I loved someone (to the point of sacrificing myself). But ultimately I was afraid to be reminded of my failure. I’d finally let someone in completely, I’d taken a chance and loved without holding back, and I’d lost. But what had I lost? Time, the belief that something was real, and a best friend. But what had I gained? I’d gained so much more than I’d lost. I am my own person now. I know that people will lie, they will let you down, they will use you. I know that sometimes God sends people to you, and sometimes He doesn’t mean for them to be in your life forever. I’ve learned what it means to lose, but I’ve learned what it means to win too. I’ve gained half a master’s degree. I’ve gained so much experience handling so many things I’d never known existed. I’ve gained friends. I’ve gained scars.
I’ve lived.
Today, I cleaned out my car.
