Allison In Wonderland

Today I am an adult. Supposedly. Today was my first day as an employee of Boling High School. I am officially a Physics/Chemistry teacher and Volleyball/Basketball/Softball coach. The students haven’t come back from Summer vacation yet, but today was my first official day. Most of the day was spent cleaning the locker rooms and preparing for 2-a-days which start at 6am on Monday morning. Despite all you may know about me, and my interests, I am extremely excited. This is my new adventure.

One week and 3 days ago I again loaded up a Uhaul (with help of my parents, friends, and sister) and drove back across the great state of Texas. This trip was much more exciting and fun than the last. No tears were shed, no hearts were broken. I was embarking on a new journey. If you’d spoken to me last July and asked me what I thought I’d be doing one year from that date, I’d have said… “I don’t know”. I didn’t. I haven’t. I let go. I trusted God. I worked my butt off. I landed a sweet job, in my own little country town in the South West Houston area. This past year began with me broken hearted and feeling helpless. It was a rough patch in the journey of my life. It was a time for me to experience something everyone goes through (at least the unlucky do). But it was also a learning experience, a chance to heal, and a chance to be reminded who I am and where I come from. This past year I was blessed with getting to catch up with old friends, and discover new ones. It was a time to live life, and play the hand I was dealt. And I did. I played it. I took it and made it a valuable tool. I am almost finished with my master’s degree, and I know what I want to do in life. I became an adult.

So my new life begins. I live in a big house. The house is neat. It is. Sure, there are roaches the size of small children, but I have a can of raid. I have a cool job, something I never saw myself doing. Its not something I plan on doing forever, but I look forward to the challenges and lessons it will teach me. There is a huge city 20 miles north of me. I plan on exploring it and enjoying everything it has to offer. I can only imagine what adventures await me within its limits. There are chickens in my front yard. I swear. The neighbors have about a billion of them. I don’t even have to set an alarm in the morning, the rooster has me taken care of. Lola and I are happy. We are doing something new. I am independent and on my own here. Before today (at work) I knew no one in this town. However, before I found the mall, salon, or even my house, I found a church I want to join. I cannot wait to start attending and meeting members of the community. I know God brought me to this place on His path for me, and I know he will take care of me. I honestly am fearless with Him by my side. I am not afraid to be alone, I am not afraid to know no one, I am not afraid to start building my new life in this wonderful adventure.

I do miss my friends and family. It was so wonderful to laugh and be welcomed back into the life I once knew. I am so proud of my friend Manny. Of all the people I have met in my life, he is one of my best friends. We have one of those relationships, I can be gone for years, but when I come back, we pick up right where we left off. That’s a rare and special thing. He is also one of the most talented people I’ve ever met in my life. I am going to miss him. I met so many awesome people through him. I’ll miss them all. I miss my family. It was neat being able to see everyone a few times a month. I hadn’t been able to see them like that since I started college. I miss all the people I got to know through the jobs I had. It was really hard to work so many jobs and go to school, but my coworkers were all so fun. I miss everything. But I had to start somewhere, and that place is here, in Boling. Even though I am away from everyone, I still know how blessed I am to have them. I am truly a lucky girl.

It's nerve racking to not know what my future holds. I am a planner. I want everything in order and balanced. But if this year has shown me anything, it’s that no matter what, things work out. The future isn’t supposed to be known 100% of the time. Sometimes things that feel as though they are crushing you or ripping you apart, are actually making you stronger.

I went into the desert to find comfort, instead I found myself.

I cleaned out my car today

Wait, before I get into that, I should probably warn you, this post will probably make me sound like a crazy person, I’m completely aware of it.

The dictionary defines “crazy” or “insane” as “doing the same action repeatedly expecting a different outcome.” I haven’t cleaned my car out in over a year, so I’m not crazy. Yeah pick up your jaw, it’s been over a year since I cleaned my car out. Well, I throw away the trash and have it vacuumed and stuff, but I haven’t cleaned all the compartments and nooks out in over a year (my car has tons of neat storage places). Those of you who know me, know it’s completely out of character for me. I don’t like things to be dirty, I like my house, room, cabinets, closets, etc to be organized and clean. I have never had a messy car since my first one, the Mercedes (I miss that old tank). I just don’t roll that way. In fact, my dad mentioned to me a while back that my car was messy, and it was usually really clean. I just told everyone I was really busy and hadn’t gotten a chance to clean it. Lie. The truth is, I’ve been avoiding cleaning out my car since last spring, (well, other than the trash and things I recently put in it). I was afraid.

The last time I went through every compartment and took things out was the day before Michael and I took my car to Florida to see his sister and go to Disney World. I cleaned that car so much it looked new, I scrubbed, vacuumed, had the oil changed…. Everything. I had a specific spot for the cooler of sandwiches & drinks (we were too poor to buy food along the way), I had every CD I owned in the back seat compartment, I had a specific place for the hand sanitizer(s) in the side compartment of the passenger seat, I had a slot for the maps (even though we had a Garmin), I had a place for our bags, a place for anything we bought, and a place I later put random things I’d gathered on the trip to remind me of where we’d been. After Florida, we traveled a lot to West Texas, so I kept certain things in compartments because we used them a lot. But after a while, things changed. We no longer got to take adventures west, and eventually we stopped traveling (and even talking) all together. So my car became a rolling storage of things that hurt to look at or even think about. This is where the “crazy” thing comes to play. I know things don’t matter anymore. They are just items; bottles of hand sanitizer, alka seltzer, Korn Cd’s… But although they don’t matter, the memories associated with them did. I just didn’t want to see or think about them. So I didn’t. I avoided it. I loaded up my car, moved across the state, started taking my dog everywhere with me, just lived, and stuff started accumulating. Instead of organizing it, and storing things in compartments, or making space, I just left it.

So a year later, things are so foreign. I made up my mind last week that my car needed to be cleaned out. Things needed to be thrown away, and other things needed to take their place. I had to do it all before Spring Break. So, after a week of putting it off, tonight I cleaned out my car. At first I was just throwing things away, not reading maps (even though I saw they were of florida, and Houston), I just got through it. It was great to get rid of stuff. But then, I got to the back seat compartments. It was fine and dandy, I got my cd’s, and got the rawhides Lola had left hidden in random places. But then, I saw the buttons from Disney World, the one that had the date and our names written in permanent marker on them. It wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be. I didn’t cry or wish things were different, but I remembered how magical and happy the day I’d gotten them had been. I saw Cinderella’s castle that day. I placed them in a bag and kept digging. Then I saw a camera, I knew the pictures on it were from Daytona Beach. We’d taken a disposable camera because we were afraid my 2 day old Nikon camera would get sand in it. I decided to leave the film undeveloped, and tossed it in the trash bag. I wasn’t really upset, just kinda bummed. When I got to the bottom I found a note, one that I’d stuck there the morning we drove back to Houston. The only thing it said was “Mobile, Alabama”. It was rough continuing to not feel anything at that point, I just tossed it in the trash with the camera and grabbed the last thing left. I kinda froze when I saw what I’d grabbed. It was a wrapped fortune cookie. I have no idea where it came from, or when I got it, but I decided to open it and take out the fortune. The fortune said “Only Those Who Dare, Truly Live”. It made perfect sense to me. I felt so strange after reading it. I know some people don’t believe in God, but I do. And I believe it was a sign from Him to me.

For months I’d been letting things collect in my car because I was afraid. I was afraid to be reminded of pain, and sadness. I was afraid to remember how much I loved someone (to the point of sacrificing myself). But ultimately I was afraid to be reminded of my failure. I’d finally let someone in completely, I’d taken a chance and loved without holding back, and I’d lost. But what had I lost? Time, the belief that something was real, and a best friend. But what had I gained? I’d gained so much more than I’d lost. I am my own person now. I know that people will lie, they will let you down, they will use you. I know that sometimes God sends people to you, and sometimes He doesn’t mean for them to be in your life forever. I’ve learned what it means to lose, but I’ve learned what it means to win too. I’ve gained half a master’s degree. I’ve gained so much experience handling so many things I’d never known existed. I’ve gained friends. I’ve gained scars.

I’ve lived.

Today, I cleaned out my car.

R.I.P. Music of the late 90's and Early 2000's

I hate that things die. I do. Death has been one of those things I can never get used to, and I can never shake. One minute someone or something is here, the next it’s gone. To a place it doesn’t come back from. To a place we can’t see, or visit. I was afraid of death when I was younger, because I didn’t understand. I still don’t understand, but I am no longer afraid. But this blog isn’t about actual cardiac arrest. This blog is about the death of my favorite thing in life (no, not Anna Nicole Smith or Michael Jackson) but music.

Music dies. I never realized it until today. I was sitting at work wanting to listen to music, as I always do. Music makes me more productive than coffee ever will. I turned on my usual Pandora station, and got busy. For some reason my station turned to some 90’s artists. I was rocking out to Sugar Ray, and I started thinking about how long it had been since I heard the song playing. Sugar Ray was playing everywhere in the late 90’s. How could it have been that long ago? I’m not that old. Then it hit me, all my favorite songs from the late 90’s weren’t being played anymore. All those HUNDREDS of cd’s I bought in high school (never from Walmart, they edited their music), and all the songs I sang at night while I did my homework, where had they gone? They are dead. The All American Rejects, Sugar Ray, Third Eye Blind, Jimmy Eat World, Taking Back Sunday, so many other favorites… all gone. How did this happen?! I listened to them all the time, I know every word from EVERY SONG on their albums (mp3’s ended knowing entire albums). I went to college and when I was finished, they had all gone away. It hurts me to think about them. Those songs spoke to me, I remember actually listening to lyrics that were written for my generation. Lyrics that meant something, lyrics that could mend broken teenage hearts. And now… Lady Gaga, and her songs with lyrics about riding disco sticks… it’s not the same. What do kids do now? I can’t count the times I would lay on my bed in my room, and listen to music that took away my pain. I didn’t need drugs, music was my drug. Where have the skinny guys, with long hair, converse shoes, and rock t-shirts gone? Are they all dead? Did they get poisoned by Gaga’s rotting meat dress?!

I’m sure one day the top songs of my generation will wind up on some “oldies” station broadcasted from a “studio” in Iowa. But what about those songs that never made it to the top? What about the ones that some people didn’t understand, and didn’t have flashy videos? Where do they go? Music heals, music saves lives, how do we just let it die a horrible death in a dusty box in our parent’s attics? Until today I had forgotten about them. I still know their words, but will I forget them too one day? I can’t believe I sold so many of my old rock t-shirts in a garage sale last Summer. I didn’t even think twice. They meant nothing to me anymore. I completely forgot how many hours of waiting in smelly lines under the hot summer sun I’d spent to get them. How many times I’d tied them to my belt loop so they wouldn’t get lost in the bottom of a mosh pit (do kids even still have mosh pits?) Well, I’m never throwing out my peace sign converse shoes. I’ll never use my Weezer t-shirt for a dust rag. I’ll always have a crush on skinny boys with long hair and bad attitudes.






Rest In Peace my old friend, it’s better to burn out than fade away…









Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

West

I’ve purposely been avoiding writing anything on this blog. Many times I’ve started writing an update, only to realize I am not yet ready. Sometimes the post was to mean and too angry, sometimes it was too sad, and sometimes I would start writing only to find that I couldn’t finish because I was crying too hard. But whatever the shade of the cloud that was in my way, tonight it has blown away, and here I am sitting under a clear sky full of bright stars.


I have a brand new life it seems. I live in a new town, in a new house, with new friends, a new goal, and 3 new jobs. I am still Alli, but sometimes I don’t even recognize myself. If you’d told me at this time last year I would be sitting in San Angelo, Tx single, and going to school for my Master’s degree I’d never have believed you. Yet, here I am. Things have changed so drastically. It is funny how God moves us from phase to phase of our lives. We can kick, scream, and cry, but in the end He sees to it that we end up where he wants. I truly believe this. As crazy as it may seem, I believe I am supposed to be right where I am at this very moment.


I made the choice to come back West after my heart was smashed into millions of pieces. Whether anyone knows it or not, the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life was pack everything I own into a moving truck and drive away from the only life that I’d ever had that was really mine. I went to College Station as a child. I pulled into the city limits for the first time knowing nothing about myself or the world, I left knowing who I was and more than I ever thought possible about others. I left with pain in my heart, and tears in my eyes. BUT I left with my head held high. (damn here come the tears again) I left College Station for myself. I drove 349 miles to San Angelo to take me back. Over the past year I’d not only fallen in love, I’d allowed myself to lose my own identity. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my entire life. The problem was that I’d been willing to follow my heart and allow someone in. For the first time in my life I let someone else become a top priority in my life, however for whatever reason, he couldn’t do the same. It was a gamble, and I came home empty handed. But it was the best game I’ve ever played.


I can’t say I’ve moved on, because I believe time and only time can heal certain pains. But I can say that I dug myself out of a crater sized hole these past couple of months. I’ve recently come to the realization that I have so much ambition I annoy myself sometimes. I’m in a master’s program at Angelo State. I have 3 jobs at the moment, they are all part time and all really flexible, but it’s really tough to balance work, and being a full time student. And most recently I have set a goal of running at least 2 miles every day (this may seem little, but I hate running). I’ve come a long way from the girl in College Station who thought she had nothing going for her. Sometimes reality hits me, and I miss certain things about not people, but about the life I had there. I miss College Station, I miss Lana, my friends, the fun things to do around town, Ozona’s, and the Aggie Spirit. But I know to get the things that matter in life, we must sometimes do things that aren’t fun and aren’t easy. Someone once told my dad “Alli gives 110% at all she does” I wish that person would have followed my lead.


So here I am. A year after taking that chance. I feel like I learned more in the previous year than I’d learned in all of the 23 before it. Because I am my Mother’s daughter I’ve created a list. Enjoy.


1. When you feel like you’re nothing, and no one really cares, God will put someone in your life to show you different. Even if that someone is a puppy who licks your face every morning at 7am to wake you up.


2. Never tell anyone that “actions speak louder than words” unless you are prepared to act.


3. When your friends and family tell you anything, believe it. Even if it hurts.


4. Sometimes losing yourself for a while is a good thing.


5. If you ever go into the last bathroom stall in Ozona’s women’s restroom, wash your hands when you leave. Trust me on this one.


6. When people tell you they love you, no matter how much you believe them, don’t get lost in those words. Sometimes people take those words back.


7. Enjoy the fun times; the times where you spend all day on a pullout sofa bed in front of the fireplace eating dominos pizza. Those memories are the ones that will outlast the bad memories.


8. Even though it might not be appreciated, always go over and beyond what you should. You never know when it will pay off. Even when it doesn’t, you did your best and that’s always honorable.


9. Make scrap books.


10. Never buy your girlfriend anything from the Dallas Cowboy store on y’alls first Christmas.


11. Smile even when you want to cry. You never know who is watching you.


12. Drugs hurt the people who love the user more than they hurt the user. (that’s saying a lot considering drugs can kill the user).


13. Call of Duty can’t hold you at night.


14. If someone tells you they need help, there is nothing you can do unless they WANT to get help.


15. Dreams don’t come true on their own, you have to get off your ass and make them.


16. If someone never goes out of their way for you, get out of their way for them. Its not worth waiting for them to change. They won’t.


17. Some people care only about themselves. There is nothing you can ever do to change that.


18. Sometimes a fresh start can be the most painful thing in the world to get, but once you do, it all becomes worth it.


19. No matter how hard you try, you can’t rush healing. There is no substitute for time.


20. Even when it’s done, you will always look back. You will always want him to do something big to win you back, but fairytales are for children and aren’t real.


Fight the good fight. But remember, God is with you. He see’s all, and his arms will wrap around you any time you need them. Life is a consistent pattern which begins by taking one step.

Picking up the pieces.

Sometimes in our lives things happen to us that we do not understand. Things happen that we don’t expect. Sometimes our entire lives are shattered into tiny pieces, and we can’t even begin to know which piece to pick up first. All we can do is stand in shock and disbelief.

I’m standing there now.

A few weeks ago, my life changed in a pretty drastic way. The person I had been with for over 9 months decided that he no longer wanted to be with me. My entire world fell to pieces in front of me. One night everything was “fine” we were “good” and I was loved. The next morning I was alone on my bedroom floor trying to remind myself to breathe. I didn’t understand it then, and I don’t understand it now. The only explanation was “I don’t know”. I’m not really sure what to do at the moment. I tried to live my life and pretend everything was fine. I told myself, there was no other girl. I told myself he needed time. I told myself I was fine. However, weeks later I am just realizing none of those things are true. I have nothing left of the life I thought I had, or the life I thought I wanted. I live in a town I chose because of him, I live in a house I chose because of him, I even have hair the color I chose because of him. I built my house on the sand, and a storm came and washed it away. I messed up. I followed my heart and not my brain.

But the truth is I’d do it again in a second.

Was it worth this pain, definitely not. Was it worth this experience, hell yes. Even though I wanted to be with him more than anything I had going at the time, I was still me. I loved the best I could. I gave 110% when I didn’t have to give anything. I was the best girlfriend I could be. I know I am not perfect, but I gave my all. More than anything I was a friend, to someone who needed me. He just couldn’t give me back what I was giving him. This is a theme I’d seen before. I was the happiest I’d ever been for those few months. I will miss the laughter and the conversations more than anything. My mind is filled with memories that can bring tears to my eyes instantly. It was so very good to be Michael’s girlfriend. I will miss it for a while. However, I know that God has a plan for me. I know it exceeds anything I could ever imagine. I know I must have faith in what He has for me, and not what I want. I know this isn’t up to me, no matter how much I want it to be. I know that I can take this experience and learn from it. I can make myself stronger, and more wise. I refuse to let this change the way I live and the way I love. I will not put up a wall. I will continue to put my everything into whatever it is I am doing in life. One day, He will decide when its time I am given that back.
I am strong. But I am nothing without Christ. I know he is here with me every day. I am constantly asking for his comfort and support, and whether I realize it or not, he is giving it to me. I can do all things in him, and I SWEAR I WILL. I am still going to change the world one day, but as of now, I’m only sure I’ve changed a few lives, and I know I changed Michael’s. I know because he changed mine as well.


I believe in myself, and I like the person I am. I know what a rare and precious jewel I am, and one day someone will come along and see me shining. I’ve got to just keep doing what I do best, living and laughing. I am so thankful for my family and friends right now. I don’t know what I would do without them right now. I love my parents more than I ever thought possible, I don’t know why I gave them such a hard time as a kid. I guess it was to prepare them for Madeline, I’m kidding.


I will come back from this shock, and I will pick up the pieces and put them back in even better places. I’ve already begun.

Puppy Breath

Last Saturday I made a decision. Somewhere between waking up and going out to dinner with Michael I ended up with a half lab /half weimaraner puppy. It was love at first site. Even though I’m going to have to move into a place with a yard when my lease is up, and I am going to have to spend more time at home, I love her. She is the sweetest little girl ever. I decided to name her Lola, it was either that or Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Michael said the latter was too long, so Lola it is. She is a monster sometimes, and is teething, so I will probably lose a few things around the house. But so far so good. She loves me. She will try to bite my fingers off with her sharp puppy teeth, then lay her head in my lap and look at me with her bright eyes, and I melt. We go to the park a lot. And I never sleep anymore, because I am constantly running from her kennel to the yard at all hours of the night. I have never said the word “NO” so much in my life. I have even become one of those crazy people who read “How to Train Your Pet” books. It’s a shame, but I love her. I love her so very much.
Everything else is good right now. Just working, and enjoying life. Michael is super busy with school these days, I miss him sometimes, but I am so proud of him. He is so smart. Things that would take me hours and hours to learn, he looks over once and knows. He is one of those guys you love to hate, because you waste time and effort trying to learn something, then he walks up, looks at it, and knows it like he has done it all his life. For instance…. They opened a Cracker Barrel Restaurant in Bryan. They have those triangle peg games there… you know, the ones with golf tee looking things in it, and you can only jump pegs to remove them… yeah. He looks at it for 3 seconds and does it perfect. I tried about 57 times and can only get down to 4 pegs. It’s a crying shame. Haha. It’s the little things in life that motivate us to continue.
I went wedding dress shopping with Michelle this past weekend. She picked the most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen. It looks amazing on her as well. I really can’t wait for her wedding. I can not believe she is getting married. Its such a huge step. I mean… marriage is scary. I’d prefer to be a crazy cat lady any day. But her wedding is approaching, and that means Spring is here!! I can’t believe it’s the 1st of March. I swear it was August yesterday. Time has flown by. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

To everything, there is a season.

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.
ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Turn! Turn! Turn! Recently, I noticed my life has been changing drastically, but not just my life, the lives of those around me. Without going into too much detail, I’ll try to explain.

Last week I was struggling to keep up with all the changes. I couldn’t help but feel stressed and overwhelmed by all the things going on in my own life. I recently quit my old college job at the Space Engineering Research Centers at Texas A&M and started working full time as an agent for Colonial Life insurance. It was a bit intimidating at first, I loved the security of my old job, I’d had it since I began classes at A&M, it was part of my routine. It was a thread holding me to my old college life. As long as I had that job, I wasn’t actually an adult in the real world. But now its done. I miss it, and I miss the people and friends I had there, but it was time. To everything there is a season… I’ve turned over a new page. I’m a new adult. In the real world. And, I absolutely love it. I really do. Yes its stressful, yes I have to wake up early, and yes I have to wear actual clothes now no more torn jeans and sweat shirts. But there is something special about it. I feel like I can make a difference in people’s lives as well as my own life. I can be the person I want to be. I’m not married, I don’t have kids, or even a dog. This is my life, and it will be whatever I make it be. I’m free, It’s exciting.

My life isn’t the only life that’s changing around me. So many of my friends are getting married these days. Its crazy, and I’m so excited for them!! I’ve been helping them plan, and getting fitted for bridesmaid dresses, etc. I’m going to be super busy this Spring. Its fun to watch everyone go through these huge life steps and changes. I love helping my friends, I’m so grateful that they want me to be a part of their big day! One day I will get married, maybe. And Elvis will marry us in Vegas. And it will be short and sweet. No planning, no debt, just Elvis and Las Vegas. Haha.

I’m so proud to be Michael’s girlfriend! He is getting his Aggie Ring on April 16!!! We are going to have a big party at my place! I can not wait!! If you are reading this, chances are you will be joining us! I am so proud of all the decisions he has made recently in his life. He is going to have a very busy and rough semester, but I know he will do great, he always does. Every day I am more and more amazed by him. I’m so thankful to have him in my life. Of all the people I’ve met in my life, he has to be one of the most interesting. I have fun with him every time we are together, no matter what we do.

Last week he was feeling overwhelmed, and so was I. But I didn’t tell him the depth of my own feelings because I didn’t want to make his stressors worse. So I gave him something to read, something that always helps me. I tried to console myself, but still felt stressed. Without even knowing what he was doing, the next day we had a conversation about what he had read. His interpretation and explanation of it, was exactly what I needed to hear for my own stress. It’s amazing how God puts everything in order for us, and we don’t always even recognize anything special is taking place. I believe God puts people in our lives to do his work. We are all like chess pieces, and God is the hand moving us from place to place. I’m so thankful Michael is on my side of the board.